And Then There's Honesty

I'm slow to trust
But love too hard
Intense with care
And that can leave a scar
When someone disappears

Want to believe
Hold back, instead
Front with a smile
With chaos in my head
Damage, ruins from the years

If love would fight for me
I would never let go
This much I know

Can't still the pain
Can't kill the past
I get depressed
Can true bond really last?
To me, it's a riddle 

Hope has its guard
Reach has resist
I try to try
But dark places exist
I battle the middle

If love would fight for me
I would never let go
This much I know

© Kay Irvin

The Break

Starting out, world at your feet
And the future in your hands
Kicked down but each time you stand
Nothing seems to go as planned

And the walls are closing in
Suffocating
Again and again
Only so much you can take
- to the break

Cry until you crawl to scream
It seems like a million tears
Forgot what it's like to dream
Push yourself to the extreme

Some know the break
... because you've had to be strong
- for so long

And the walls are closing in
Suffocating
Again and again
Only so much you can take
- to the break

Hold on, hold on, hold on 
- 'til this paralyzing feeling's gone
Will it ever be?

© Kay Irvin

Dark Side of the Sun

In the hours before dawn 
Fog is rolling 'cross the hills
- Like old ghosts ... but I believe
All turned out, as it should be
I saw you change
I watched you leave

Memories are dangerous
And better left where they are
I wore my heart on my sleeve
Piece by piece, taken from me
Faces did change
I watched them leave

(more than my share of goodbyes)
People come and people go

Dark side of the sun is cold
And its truths are hard to bear
(more than my share ... of goodbyes)
People come and people go
- such a brutal honesty
I saw them change
I watched them leave

I want love ... someone to stay
And not deceive
I too, am a ghost,... haunting
- misty dreams,... will the sun see?

(misty dreams,... will the sun see?)

© Kay Irvin

Ghost Girl

I remember watching people leave
But I had thought intentions would keep
Naïveté can kill over time
Slowly, clearly, as their true stripes creep

And as a twisted vine of ivy,
black thistles of shattered trust did sweep

You promised love, embraced me with care
Then,... walked past me, like I wasn't there
(Ghost Girl) ... 'what a waste and God's mistake'
- I heard you say and I died, inside, 
crumbled with pain, world tumbled to break
(because of the lies)
(there's ghosts in my eyes)

When closeness unraveled to strangers,
heft of their shadows darkened the sky
They never knew me and I not them
How easily they let go but why?

And 'why' rings through my deadfall and stays
- Unanswered call but tears have gone dry

May my torment haunt you, all your days
(Ghost Girl) ... ghosts in her eyes return gaze

© Kay Irvin

Excerpt From A Journal That Was Never Written

Date: None
Time: Zero
Feeling: Dead Inside

I paused and cautiously smiled
Hoping for some caring reassurance
But he was cold and indifferent
... and weakly muttered,
'Where do we go from here?'
I knew in that instance ...
He wasn't capable of living satisfied, (content)
- with just us, with just ... being
I felt my heart sink ...
and the slight, tattered bit of peace,
that I was desperately trying to hold on to,
- drained from my body
I would never be good enough
He would always search for
- something more, something better
I was only a mere stop and stepping stone
... on his way

© Kay Irvin

Oh, That Fragile Care

Care is a funny thing
Both strong and fragile, all at once
The strong care is exquisite
- meaningful and loyal
- beautiful, unconditional, undying
But,... Oh, that fragile care
The fragile care can drain you
No matter how much you love and reach
and try with some people
it seems to only trigger a progression
of them giving less and less
They're mental and emotional takers
They'll come to you, in the guise of friendship,
and string you along,
always with little glimmers of hope
that they want a closeness with you
But over time and by their actions,
you heartbreakingly find out,... they don't
They only take pieces of you
until you've got nothing left
They make you feel like nothing
The fragile care is Hell
and the people who offer it
... will only keep your mind swimming in Hell

© Kay Irvin

Whiplash

Push me, pull me
Love me, hate me
Bend my weary bones
To brine agony

Want me, leave me
Keep me in doubt
Twist my heart to knots
Turn me inside out

Make sure I know
You're much to fear
Put me in my place
Make hope disappear

When muscles crack
And veins criss-cross
Broken puppet parts
Will make you the boss

... Superior ...
Gauntlet, blood cuff
Snap my neck around
It's still not enough

Play with my screams
Tighten restrain
Mind pluck me to dust
You get off on pain

Cut the ropes, slice
Shove the hurt back 
Let Karma retort
Let my eyes roll black

Mirror ball view
Look what you've done
Don't whiplash regret
You did it for fun

© Kay Irvin

This was a picture prompt
in a poetry group.

- about;
People that play with someone else's emotions.
They're so focused on themselves,
they forget about someone else's
problems, feelings and point of view.
They twist love and literally leave
another person all knotted up, inside.
Yet, they seem surprised when that person leaves.
Then, they wonder why that person became numb & indifferent.
If you push someone to the point
where they don't care anymore,
don't expect them to stick around
- just to amuse you with how much
you can hurt them.
(what goes around, comes around)

Jigsaw

Many people remember the
exact moment in their lives,
when there was a change,
... a defragmentation

I remember the time frame

Everything changed
and my life crumbled around me
It was a steady stream of
mistakes
and hurt
and a sickening heartache
It was a loss of better judgement
and a gain of rougher edges
... and sometimes a numbness
(which I've dreamt ... to escape)

I lost my identity inside other people
... people I wanted to trust
I struggled to find acceptance
But that time frame marked
the beginning of
slow goodbyes
silent tears
and overwhelming depression
(where no one knew
and no one would care if they did)

I kept
going
pushing myself
hoping
reaching
compromising
giving up
dying
Those who I tried to cling to
... didn't want to hold me back
We fell apart, they slipped away

The sad, plain, damn truth is that
- too many times, I felt alone
We have to rebuild,... don't we?
- Pick up the pieces -
Make sense of it,... start over

I'm a jigsaw
whose pieces don't always fit
But I'm making the effort to try again
I've more than paid for my mistakes
And I've been tormented long enough
by those who would wish nothing more
than to stack my puzzlement with
more confusion
upon more sorrow
upon more Hell

I want to taste this life (without caveat)
- find some carefree hours of
quiet
stillness
and rest
... where I know that everything's okay
Safe
warm
wanted
But strong with its resolution of lasting
And ... I want love that won't ever leave

Bridges Burn

It's not how I wanted it to be
This pain, this pain of reality
And you are so very far from me
On the other side
And the bridges burn
One by one, lighting your pride
One by one, your backs each turn
And the bridges burn

Once, gathering told a different tale
It was illusion, now fragments sail
As cinders carry, I face the vale
But my tears subside
And the bridges burn
Piece by piece reveals divide
Piece by piece, you ignite spurn
And the bridges burn

Piece by piece reveals divide
But my tears subside
Your ... 'I love yous' ... lied
Pandora's box with many a
- Jekyll and Hyde

(So, I'll be damned if I cry)
Why would I, Oh, why would I?
Your ... 'I love yous' ... lied

© Kay Irvin

Jaded

We become more and more jaded
every time our fragile hearts break
And I stopped being a girl
when I became a woman

No matter what anyone says;
Innocence is truly lost over time
- Little by little and piece by piece 
of those delicate heart-dreams

To the bone-weariness happens out of 
melancholy moments 
- When you lose the love of people, one by one,
that were once (each) a brightness
in a world that can be very dark and troubling

Then, the pitch becomes companion
(a mired down restitution)
But it's something to hold on to
And we all need something to hold on to
Anything ... not to feel alone

© Kay Irvin

Kalopsia

We were new, love was new
You couldn't get enough of me
I couldn't get enough of you
Effort, interaction
You were interested (briefly)
Charade, well played, laid-attraction

I was beautiful
Everything was beautiful
A beautiful lie

Change, turn, spoil, sour
Your mood sped from adore to hate 
Don't fumble excuse, kill the hour
Out of my misery
You suck the air from every room
Like a vampire (would-be)
(no mystery ... or stamina ) 

Oh, how I wanted to believe
Oh, how I wanted to believe

You were beautiful
Everything was beautiful
A beautiful lie

Someone else became exquisite
Your sudden, new, favorite high 
More beautiful than you and I  
A beautiful lie

You live a pattern of cold, flaccid imagination
Selling momentary beautification (oh, of love)
A beautiful lie

(what it takes to get someone ... is what it takes to keep them)

© Kay Irvin

Oblivion

Unseen, unheard, you have unblessed
Uncare, undo, unfeel, take back
And I, spun to numb netherworld
Chasms of fire, unloved to black

I am a ghost, most broken soul
Hard reality delivers
Only few fragments spiral down
Gyring, abysmal slivers

Low, the Hell is vexed far from blaze
Ungrace, unaccept, Stygian
Every dream bids nightmare scream
Mid mind-bending oblivion

I am a ghost, dead to your life
We unbelong, unshare, unbond
What jagged shards are memories
Unwanted, unmattering,... gone

Flames do not surge upon a lake
Heart-whole purge was fatal mistake
I am condemned, this realm won't wake
Sunless, moonless and no unbreak
(and no unbreak, and no unbreak)

© Kay Irvin

Compass

Black cloud towering me
Powdering down, through my bones
What are the knowns ... for those souls
- Discerning glass houses,
Where they cunningly throw stones

Some make their own screwed-up world
Strange gravity held my compass
But I don't want to be a part
(of that existence)
Oh, with my bare hands
- Punch a hole in the atmosphere
Settle the quiet, distant star
See everyone for what they are
Have it all ... made clear
Let go ... of all those
... that don't give a damn
Hold tight to the dear
And they hold me back
(would the sky stay black?)
(would shadow cast,... disparaging?)

Unsettled, uneasy
My thoughts weave twisted branches
Turmoil, my life matches
Will my mind ever rest?
- Peace say,... what are the chances?

Some make their own screwed-up world
Strange gravity held my compass
But I don't want to be a part
(of that existence)
Oh, with my bare hands
- Punch a hole in the atmosphere
Settle the quiet, distant star
See everyone for what they are
Have it all ... made clear
Let go ... of all those
... that don't give a damn
Hold tight to the dear
And they hold me back
(would the sky stay black?)
(would shadow cast,... disparaging?)

Love, come fight for me
Hold me together
While I fall apart
Love, take confusion
- From this odyssey
Banish the cracks that threaten end

(c) Kay Irvin

Moonchild

Burnin' heart, blue fire, sapphire deep
(Still waters?) - not hardly,... but hard currents
Pressed doubt, push and pull, the climb out is steep
Spat upon a rock, empty dock, nighthawk
(Shell-shocked, through and through)

How low ... must I go,
... grieve enough, (paralyzed) - by you?
How high ... must I fly,
... leave, (the ostracized) - soar anew?
Because I'm not given the choice for belonging

Black ice eyes, wiser in reprise, yeah tense
'Cause some feel, need to slam ya down a peg
- Then say 'lighten up',... good luck finding sense
They're extreme, silence or scream, no between
(Their way or nothing)

How low ... must I go,
... grieve enough, (paralyzed) - by you?
How high ... must I fly,
... leave, (the ostracized) - soar anew?
Because I'm not given the choice for belonging

(c) Kay Irvin

Watercolors

Watercolors, emotions
Blur and blend through each other
With their, dizzy, tinted thoughts
Chaotic, racing sundries
The woman is strong but longs for protection
Where her guard can come down and she can just be
And misty confusion can be ... washed away

Don't we all get tired, shattered by too much thinking?
Don't we all feel powerless and need time to escape?
Unconditional touch can heal with comforting drape
Those unflinching arms, holding on
'Til the hurt is gone

That Alpha male,... he'll say
I'll be your everything
For you,... anything
Let your tears and world fall ... to my shoulders
I will be the bolder one ... for awhile
Until you can summon a smile ... again
Let me take and love your burdens, unto sleep

(c) Kay Irvin

To Die In Love

I can hardly remember what it's like to fall in love

I could take the good ... and bad
But I couldn't and never could take the good ... to bad
- When the good comes and leaves,
... then becomes a faint memory
And the bad is all that remains, everywhere,... smothering
It's as though, someone gives you a thing so special,
... Only to rip it away

You don't want to believe it
And you lie to yourself
- Thinking the good will come back,
Saying it will come back
- Anything to ease the overwhelming hurt,
Even if only for a few minutes
And you silently plead for the smallest amount of light
- To show itself midst those dark places, where you've sunk
Deep down,... deep as those dark places,
You know it won't ... but you won't admit it
... until, in retrospect

Forgive yourself for pushing away hard, cold reality
Hearts are fragile
We just hope for the best
We ache from loneliness
- So much so, that long after the fact of loss,
We sometimes wonder
... if being alone is better than just accepting the bad,
Knowing that's as good as it would ever be

It is,... and we acknowledge it as quick as we question it

I can hardly remember what it's like to fall in love
But I know what it's like ... to die in love

(c) Kay Irvin

Candles

And I can still see you standing in front of me
Maybe I always will
Maybe it's just one of those things that softly kill

Life, it's what you dream, then what it actually is
Full of kisses and scars
Void the bad with candles of solace, lit like stars

Ominous clouds are brewing outside my window
But I love the thunder
Do you think about me? ... (I have a sick wonder)

And I can still see you standing in front of me
Maybe I always will
Maybe it's one of those things that softly kill

(Disappointments)
My mind wanders
Night is with me
Take my darkness
Please, hold me tight
- while candles burn
(while candles burn)
(while candles burn)

(c) Kay Irvin

Love Blues

Time had froze over, dimmed by fears
Many, many depressing tears
If you could hear me now, you'd laugh
- With an icy expression cross your face
I gave way too much, like a fool
Love blues, paid my dues, you lived to be cruel
(love blues, paid my dues, your love lived to be cruel)

I've grown wiser with soulful eyes
Seen some youth go ... on you, unwise
You won't ever hurt me again
I could never be enough, good enough
I tried way too hard, like a fool
Love blues, paid my dues, you lived to be cruel
(love blues, paid my dues, your love lived to be cruel)

I'm done (wishing for caring views)
Chiseled out, sculptured as I choose
Sooooo ... moving on (learn), note to self
Don't find you in anyone else
I've wept my last, it thaws a pool
Tears at my feet, I wasn't only fool
You threw me away, Winter heart, too cool
Love blues, when alive ... your love lived to be cruel

Love blues
I'm done, I'm done
Let it be the past
Love blues
I'm done, I'm done
Let it be the last
Love blues

(c) Kay Irvin

Black Sun

Nothing turns out the way you think it will (hope it will)
When it burns out, nothingness is what you feel (and feel)
It doesn't seem real
The torment that numbs everything except for tears
I wanna be small, crawl in a hole and disappear
'Til the next light year

Another person, another heartbreak ... stacks the mourn
Crooked shapes tarry, each carry their own crown of thorns

Why go out, why look outside, where taunting shadows run?
Got to reevaluate what trust and love has done
Black sun, my black sun, my black sun

See no, hear no, speak no evil ... is what people say
Beware some manipulators, mind-gamers will play
Snuffing out the day
I am the dark horse, branded and banished from their midst
Their long shadows move on, like I never did exist
Crossed off "include" list

Why go out, why look outside, where taunting shadows run?
Got to reevaluate what trust and love has done
Black sun, my black sun, my black sun

In a perfect world, they wouldn't push buttons,... although,
Where's the fun in that? - Who would stroke their bloated ego?
Kill the scapegoat slow

(Step back and let this sink in good)
(It is what it is, understood)

Another person, another heartbreak ... stacks the mourn
Crooked shapes tarry, each carry their own crown of thorns
Got to let their deeds tell the truth and shame the devil
Lest rays of gray trickle in and those shadows revel

Why go out, why look outside, where taunting shadows run?
Got to reevaluate what trust and love has done
Black sun, my black sun, my black sun

(be strong, soon be dawn)
(new dawn, black sun gone)

(c) Kay Irvin

Rumination

Nightmares are very real
They surround me, as steel
It's been quit awhile
Since I meant a smile
(Nightmares are very real)

Heavy pendulum cradles aching
And tears fall like icicles breaking

If I could silence the confusion
I would tumble towards conclusion
These times, these days, these hours might make sense
Right now, I can't grasp for anything
And a black sun veins to taint the clouds
Spectral horizon is yet to bend
But I have to believe that it will be again

Tangled mood becomes froze
I turn inward repose
I cannot remember
Free-spirited ember
(Tangled mood becomes froze)

Heavy pendulum cradles aching
And tears fall like icicles breaking

If I could slip from the depression
I would stumble towards progression
These times, these days, these hours might make sense
Right now, brooding edge encloses me
And a black sun veins to taint the clouds
Prismatic skyline is yet to send
But I have to believe that it will be again

(c) Kay Irvin