Ergo (part 2)

Bridges Burn

It's not how I wanted it to be
This pain, this pain of reality
And you are so very far from me
On the other side
And the bridges burn
One by one, lighting your pride
One by one, your backs each turn
And the bridges burn

Once, gathering told a different tale
It was illusion, now fragments sail
As cinders carry, I face the vale
But my tears subside
And the bridges burn
Piece by piece reveals divide
Piece by piece, you ignite spurn
And the bridges burn

Piece by piece reveals divide
But my tears subside
Your ... 'I love yous' ... lied
Pandora's box with many a
- Jekyll and Hyde

(So, I'll be damned if I cry)
Why would I, Oh, why would I?
Your ... 'I love yous' ... lied

© Kay Irvin

Ergo (part 1)

Ergo (Prelude)

'Ergo' will be a stream of segments, here and there,
that will appear in future posts.
It's how I have or will deal with upset.
A lot of my writing is a way to vent
anger, depression and pain.
Much of my hurt and upset involves relatives.
(involved - now, past tense)
I'm sure a lot of people know what that's like.
We all have horror stories from family sufferings.
Truth can be stranger than fiction.

 

[back story, for this Prelude]

... and you can skip this & go to other posts, if you want

(that's cool) but it's here, if anyone wants to know or read.

 

A few years back, lots of relatives and
my Mother, Brother and myself lived in California.
There were times we got along but then, came a split.
Some relatives moved away and my Mother, Brother
and I moved back here, to Oklahoma
(where we were born and raised).

 

My Sister and I were recently 'unfriended'
on a social media site, by relatives (living nearby).
We were deleted from their lives.
We could say it was a shock but it wasn't.
When you don't feel at ease, there's a reason why.
A relative, that we don't get along with, came to visit,
with our relatives (nearby), about the same time.
A few weeks later ...
Me and mine aren't worth knowing.

 

Now, with the 'unfriending', my Mother, Brother,
Sister and I, obviously, aren't welcome (to their home).
And it hurts.
But we've been disappointed before.

Since, we've moved back home, we haven't been able

to go down for a visit  (to the realtives, nearby)

... But they hadn't come up to see us either.

We all said that we understood the reasons why

and my Mother, Brother and I had a visit planned

- then the 'unfriending' happened, so we're not welcome.

The 'unfriending' actually said a lot (explained a lot).
If anyone has to try to know and be friends with
a person or people (as hard as we've tried) ...
and it's not really reciprocated,
... then, that person or those people don't honestly care
and they don't want you around.
There was a pretense of care in previous times but ...
- Actions speak louder than words.

 

We never asked anyone to stop talking to
or stop spending time with those who we don't
get along with.
But we didn't want to be cut off either.
Well, that's exactly what happened.
Sides were chosen.
My Mother, Brother, Sister and myself
aren't part of their 'circle'.

 

Me and mine have been talked about and judged
and I did this or I didn't do that ...
or my Brother or Sister said something ...
On and on ... but ...
No one wanted to hear about how me and mine
were hurt or what wrong others have done.

Some relatives straight-up lied to others

about what me and mine did or didn't do ...

But no one bothered to hear us out.

They DIDN'T CARE and how they acted

painfully says - they also didn't consider us family.

Many have pointed fingers and talked in depth

about their hurt or how they were treated bad

but they fail to mention how hard feelings were

caused by the wrong things they've done.
Apparently, some can do no wrong.
But in reality, they do ...
- it's just that no one wants to admit it.
Me and mine are aware of some vile things
that were said ... but we also know how most
of them talked about each other.
Gossip knew everyone's name.
On an upbeat thought ...
Me and mine are out of the fray.

 

I'm sure some relatives say that me or mine have
changed or maybe,... that I'm edgy.
Gee, I can't imagine why.
['Ergo', we all have a reason why we're the way we are.]
People will always say that you've changed or some
negative equivalent when you start saying, 'No'
or start standing up for yourself and pointing out
the lies or pain that someone else has created.

 

No, we're not going to make all the effort.

The phone goes both ways,... so does writing & visiting,

No, we're not going to have stipulations put on
what we can or can't talk about, in any relationship.
And - No, we don't want any information about our
lives to be repeated to anyone we don't get along with.
We kind of sensed that was a problem,
... so we limited sharing.
We mind our business and don't want to know theirs.
I'm sure those who don't like us - wouldn't want to know
anything about us anyway.
So, it works out for everyone.

 

It's also been a bad feeling to know some may not want
it to get back to some relatives that they made an effort
to talk with us or spend time with us.
It's terrible to let someone else control who, when
or how much you want to share time with ...
And I don't know why they would go along with that
but they have.
I guess some were ashamed of knowing my Mother,
Brother, Sister and myself.
That is very sad.

 

I help take care of my beautiful, 84 year old Mother
and my Brother.
They have health problems & I have a lot of responsibility.
I love them and my Sister the world.
They are the only ones that truly know me and give
loyal, unconditional love.
I've been made fun of and put down for taking care of
my Mom and Brother.
Relatives have slammed me for only making time
for them but that's not true.
No, I made time for caring and loving all my relatives.
Sometimes people put others down to make
themselves feel better or to avoid their own insecurities

or to evade their own issues.

Well, for sure, they don't corner the market on health problems,
depression, financial troubles or any difficulties (in general).
I don't pretend to know all of their worries and struggles.
And they sure the Hell haven't a clue of what all me
and mine have been through.
Some relatives were often too busy, being at
each other's throats and I remember a couple of them
- wouldn't even get their Mother a cup of coffee.
They were spiteful to put me down but maybe it served
as a distraction from their own personal problems.
An exact quote: (once said to me)
"Whenever anyone talks about you,
... they all say the same thing - What A Waste!"
That will stay with me until the day I die.

 

There are many nieces, nephews, cousins, lots of folks

but they weren't ridiculed for what they did in their days

(work or non-work) or whether they made time for

other relatives?

Couldn't they take time from what they were doing?

Did they (ALL) try to keep in touch with everyone

(EVERYONE),... call or send a card, once in a while?

(no excuses why they couldn't or didn't)

Surely, expectations were put on them, equal

... to me and mine?

(rhetorical questions & for each, the answer is

... a resouding, 'Nope!"

Bottom line, anything that me and mine did ... to give

care or concern or love or support was spliced apart

with criticism and labeled - "Not Enough."

Still, I wish them well ...
And that's a lot more than they wished for me and mine.
What goes around, comes around.

 

Onward, forward ... no more!
Me and mine are focusing on other things.
I will use the depression, anger and hurt ... in the writing.
(not that I'm good at it or anything)
But it has always helped me, in the times, when I've felt
heavy-hearted and lost to some pretty, dark places.
It's been my haven.

When a bad memory becomes a stressor ...
I'll write about it (like I did in - Black Sheep, Hellions,
Wallflowers, Feeling Through the Dark, Oblivion,
Seether, No One-Nothing, Black Sun & others)
... and will (sometimes) in other future lyrics/poetry,
including - in the upcoming segments of 'Ergo.'

 

Family isn't made by blood and marriage alone ...
and this saying is true to the core.
The people who don't make you feel bad about yourself,
those who build you up and back you up are true family.

 

I am thankful for my Mother, Brother, Sister and some
other family members, friends and my online friends.
I also appreciate the supporters of my writing.
Thank you for your kindness.
Your encouragement has meant more than you
could ever imagine.

 

As far as my relatives, I'll be their Black Sheep,
the Wallflower and Anti-Christ.
There are a lot of outsiders like me.
We're family, unto ourselves.

 

We are the music makers
- and we are the dreamers of dreams.

 

~ Kay

Blood Dance

Fire, storm,... I feel it in my bones
Blood dance, awakened, rhythmic tones
And I don't want to be alone
And I don't want to be alone

Hunt moves fierce, as a wolverine
Eyes like the Jack-O, Halloween
Watching, stalking among the crowd
Hot-brooding, nearing, thundercloud

Oh, familiar, intimate vibe
Fevered, eager, ravenous tribe
Fire, storm,... I feel it, in my bones
Blood dance, pulsating music groans
And I don't want to be alone
And I don't want to be alone

Give me love ... or Baby, dreams become death
Hold me, red nectar kiss, take my darkness
Forsake the rest,... please come, make me forget
This harrowing kept, pain of loneliness

And I don't want to be alone
And I don't want to be alone
Blood dance, attraction - your touch owns
Fire, storm,... I feel it in my bones

And I don't want to be alone
And I don't want to be alone

© Kay Irvin

Cobwebs and Candyfloss

I've seen enough good to know evil
My demons have danced with my angels
Hell has flirted with heaven
Wings have been scorched
Horns have been carved into roses
My broken soul is stitched
with cobwebs and candyfloss
I question preachers that question me
I've looked within the eyes of the moral
to catch a hint of their sadistic hides
I've met sinners,
unaware of how much pure beauty they carry
My church is the woods, the trees, nature
Dirt roads keep me gritty and grounded
Rain washes me clean
Love makes me feel whole
My crucifix is heart-shaped, thorny,
draped in patina, encrusted by tears
A perfect mess
A passionate jigsaw, whose pieces
don't always fit
Night and bright, in this world
And the world in me
I play in shadows
but there's enough light to seduce
my nightmares, touching the sweet spot
with ethereal dreams,
- Until my darkness moans
Of good and evil,...
- I am, both
Aren't we all?

© Kay Irvin

* Audio Recordings of Poetry by Kay Irvin, done by Viktor Aurelius *

This is a follow-up to my previous post ...
From my interview with Viktor Aurelius.

Viktor recorded some of my poetry and did
an excellent job with his vocals and sound FX.
There are 6 poems, here, that he recorded.
(Thank you again, Viktor)

Hope you all enjoy!  xox

These are links to the actual mp3 files,
where you can listen to the poetry recordings.

'13'
http://viktoraurelius.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/13.mp3

'Necromancer'
http://viktoraurelius.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Necromancer.mp3

'Midnight Anthems'
http://viktoraurelius.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Midnight_Anthems.mp3

'Oblivion'
http://viktoraurelius.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Oblivion.mp3

'Devil Horns, Crescent Moon'
http://viktoraurelius.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Devil_Horns_Crescent_Moon.mp3

'Wolf Song'
http://viktoraurelius.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Wolf_Song.mp3

* Interview with Viktor Aurelius *

Recently, I had the pleasure of speaking with, Viktor Aurelius,

host of 'Whispers in the Dark' on 'blogtalkradio'

Viktor works very hard with co-host, Jeff Niles, and they create
some great shows to listen to, including shows about Vampires,
hauntings,... all things supernatural, creepy and fun.
Please, check him out, when you can.
http://viktoraurelius.com
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/viktoraurelius

This show was a second for the topic of 'Horror Poetry' ...
Viktor did a fantastic job on recording some of my writing,
which we talk about in the interview.
Thank you again, Viktor.

Took me a bit to get the upload, video, sound file thingy here ...
[some Blogger workarounds]
So, fingers crossed, it works ok.
I had to make the mp3 (audio) a movie with an image ...
There's one image and then it may go black
but the sound file should play.
The first part is an interview with,
Debbie Harman (a wonderful writer)
... and I come up, on part two of the show.
Hope you enjoy ... xox

Also, we all meet up, from time to time on Facebook, in a group ...
There's some very talented writers,
including Nicole Kiger, (group admin.)
- https://www.facebook.com/groups/horror.poetry/
Horror Poetry Group