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I've been writing for a long time and had a website years ago
But have now decided to create a blog.

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Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Ergo (Prelude)

'Ergo' will be a stream of segments, here and there,
that will appear in future posts.
It's how I have or will deal with upset.
A lot of my writing is a way to vent
anger, depression and pain.
Much of my hurt and upset involves relatives.
(involved - now, past tense)
I'm sure a lot of people know what that's like.
We all have horror stories from family sufferings.
Truth can be stranger than fiction.
[back story, for this Prelude]
... and you can skip this & go to other posts, if you want
(that's cool) but it's here, if anyone wants to know or read.
A few years back, lots of relatives and
my Mother, Brother and myself lived in California.
There were times we got along but then, came a split.
Some relatives moved away and my Mother, Brother
and I moved back here, to Oklahoma
(where we were born and raised).
My Sister and I were recently 'unfriended'
on a social media site, by relatives (living nearby).
We were deleted from their lives.
We could say it was a shock but it wasn't.
When you don't feel at ease, there's a reason why.
A relative, that we don't get along with, came to visit,
with our relatives (nearby), about the same time.
A few weeks later ...
Me and mine aren't worth knowing.
Now, with the 'unfriending', my Mother, Brother,
Sister and I, obviously, aren't welcome (to their home).
And it hurts.
But we've been disappointed before.
Since, we've moved back home, we haven't been able
to go down for a visit  (to the realtives, nearby)
... But they hadn't come up to see us either.
We all said that we understood the reasons why
and my Mother, Brother and I had a visit planned
- then the 'unfriending' happened, so we're not welcome.
The 'unfriending' actually said a lot (explained a lot).
If anyone has to try to know and be friends with
a person or people (as hard as we've tried) ...
and it's not really reciprocated,
... then, that person or those people don't honestly care
and they don't want you around.
There was a pretense of care in previous times but ...
- Actions speak louder than words.
We never asked anyone to stop talking to
or stop spending time with those who we don't
get along with.
But we didn't want to be cut off either.
Well, that's exactly what happened.
Sides were chosen.
My Mother, Brother, Sister and myself
aren't part of their 'circle'.
Me and mine have been talked about and judged
and I did this or I didn't do that ...
or my Brother or Sister said something ...
On and on ... but ...
No one wanted to hear about how me and mine
were hurt or what wrong others have done.
Some relatives straight-up lied to others
about what me and mine did or didn't do ...
But no one bothered to hear us out.
They DIDN'T CARE and how they acted
painfully says - they also didn't consider us family.
Many have pointed fingers and talked in depth
about their hurt or how they were treated bad
but they fail to mention how hard feelings were
caused by the wrong things they've done.
Apparently, some can do no wrong.
But in reality, they do ...
- it's just that no one wants to admit it.
Me and mine are aware of some vile things
that were said ... but we also know how most
of them talked about each other.
Gossip knew everyone's name.
On an upbeat thought ...
Me and mine are out of the fray.
I'm sure some relatives say that me or mine have
changed or maybe,... that I'm edgy.
Gee, I can't imagine why.
['Ergo', we all have a reason why we're the way we are.]
People will always say that you've changed or some
negative equivalent when you start saying, 'No'
or start standing up for yourself and pointing out
the lies or pain that someone else has created.
No, we're not going to make all the effort.
The phone goes both ways,... so does writing & visiting,
No, we're not going to have stipulations put on
what we can or can't talk about, in any relationship.
And - No, we don't want any information about our
lives to be repeated to anyone we don't get along with.
We kind of sensed that was a problem,
... so we limited sharing.
We mind our business and don't want to know theirs.
I'm sure those who don't like us - wouldn't want to know
anything about us anyway.
So, it works out for everyone.
It's also been a bad feeling to know some may not want
it to get back to some relatives that they made an effort
to talk with us or spend time with us.
It's terrible to let someone else control who, when
or how much you want to share time with ...
And I don't know why they would go along with that
but they have.
I guess some were ashamed of knowing my Mother,
Brother, Sister and myself.
That is very sad.
I help take care of my beautiful, 84 year old Mother
and my Brother.
They have health problems & I have a lot of responsibility.
I love them and my Sister the world.
They are the only ones that truly know me and give
loyal, unconditional love.
I've been made fun of and put down for taking care of
my Mom and Brother.
Relatives have slammed me for only making time
for them but that's not true.
No, I made time for caring and loving all my relatives.
Sometimes people put others down to make
themselves feel better or to avoid their own insecurities
or to evade their own issues.

Well, for sure, they don't corner the market on health problems,
depression, financial troubles or any difficulties (in general).
I don't pretend to know all of their worries and struggles.
And they sure the Hell haven't a clue of what all me
and mine have been through.
Some relatives were often too busy, being at
each other's throats and I remember a couple of them
- wouldn't even get their Mother a cup of coffee.
They were spiteful to put me down but maybe it served
as a distraction from their own personal problems.
An exact quote: (once said to me)
"Whenever anyone talks about you,
... they all say the same thing - What A Waste!"
That will stay with me until the day I die.
There are many nieces, nephews, cousins, lots of folks
but they weren't ridiculed for what they did in their days
(work or non-work) or whether they made time for
other relatives?
Couldn't they take time from what they were doing?
Did they (ALL) try to keep in touch with everyone
(EVERYONE),... call or send a card, once in a while?
(no excuses why they couldn't or didn't)
Surely, expectations were put on them, equal
... to me and mine?
(rhetorical questions & for each, the answer is
... a resouding, 'Nope!"
Bottom line, anything that me and mine did ... to give
care or concern or love or support was spliced apart
with criticism and labeled - "Not Enough."

Still, I wish them well ...
And that's a lot more than they wished for me and mine.
What goes around, comes around.
Onward, forward ... no more!
Me and mine are focusing on other things.
I will use the depression, anger and hurt ... in the writing.
(not that I'm good at it or anything)
But it has always helped me, in the times, when I've felt
heavy-hearted and lost to some pretty, dark places.
It's been my haven.
When a bad memory becomes a stressor ...
I'll write about it (like I did in - Black Sheep, Hellions,
Wallflowers, Feeling Through the Dark, Oblivion,
Seether, No One-Nothing, Black Sun & others)
... and will (sometimes) in other future lyrics/poetry,
including - in the upcoming segments of 'Ergo.'
Family isn't made by blood and marriage alone ...
and this saying is true to the core.
The people who don't make you feel bad about yourself,
those who build you up and back you up are true family.
I am thankful for my Mother, Brother, Sister and some
other family members, friends and my online friends.
I also appreciate the supporters of my writing.
Thank you for your kindness.
Your encouragement has meant more than you
could ever imagine.
As far as my relatives, I'll be their Black Sheep,
the Wallflower and Anti-Christ.
There are a lot of outsiders like me.
We're family, unto ourselves.
We are the music makers
- and we are the dreamers of dreams.
~ Kay

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'And no one really knows
... the child who comes and goes'
(from Changeling - Kay Irvin)

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